


C R U I S E

by orphan_account



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Whatever, Dennis gets rejected, M/M, Mac comes out, kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 23:57:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7458625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mac wins tickets for a Christian cruise at a church raffle. The stone-cold-sober gang are in hell. They decide the fastest way off the ship is to force Mac out of the closet.</p><p>[Essentially a belated alternate cruise ship/gay awakening scenario.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	C R U I S E

**Author's Note:**

> Wow what another imaginative title. I wrote this ages ago on a prompt from dacmennis, and I've been toying with posting it or not since then. It kinda just became more and more irrelevant as the weeks went on (lmao, I fully realise it has now been months), and it's only going to get older otherwise. It's WIP and I'm mainly posting it for the conversation near the end bc that's the reason I have finally decided to share this.
> 
> The original intention, before the actual cruise ep. aired, was to attempt writing something similar to a canon episode but what can ya do when you're lazy af with a low attention span.

"You know what you gotta do right...?" Dee whispers as they all turn to Dennis, who takes them on with a confused expression.  
  
"What are you all staring at me for?" He retorts, irritated while Frank rolls his eyes.  
  
"Do I gotta spell it out for you? You gotta bang Mac!" He gestures urgently with his hands to Dennis' body, to which the other's face instantly creases up in revulsion.  
  
"Oh God, come on guys!" Dennis exclaims, leaning out of their huddle circle, breaking the gang apart to stand in a semi-circle where they've been arguing on the front deck of the cruise ship around Dennis.  
  
"Can we one day have a plan where I don't have to bang everyone?" He raises his arms up and drops them, looking at the gang who don’t alter their expression.  
  
"Well, I'm telling you now, I'm not doing it," he snaps, folding his arms and turning away a little.  
  
Immediately the gang start whining, begging him to change his mind.  
  
"Dennis. I cannot spend another day on this piece of shit tin-can, I feel like I'm losing my god damn mind out here. All you gotta do, is just do what you're good at!" Frank exclaims desperately, pointing a stubby fat finger in Dennis' face. Dennis slowly considers his words,

“Well…I mean...” a wistful smile spreads on his face. Charlie and Dee exchange a look of hope between them, as Dennis seems to consider it.  
  
"Yeah, ya see! You're a good whore!" Frank continues, instantly Dennis' smile vanishes into a tight frown. He turns away from them,  
  
"Pass," he growls angrily, flipping his hand as he walks off hearing frustrated accusations;  
  
"FRANK!"  
  
"GOD DAMN IT!"

* * *

Eventually they come up with a new plan to steal a life-boat. Which Dennis thinks is clearly insane. He's not even sure where they are right now in the middle of the ocean. He's also unsure of their chance of survival seeing as none of them have any ounce of maritime prowess, in terms of rowing strength or navigation. He still watches Frank and Charlie climb into the surprisingly large boat as he helps them lower it into the water. They've got out of worse predicaments. At this point there’s no ounce of concern left for Frank and Charlie; they're like cockroaches, filthy and invincible beyond the laws of nature.

Dee opts to stay behind too, both twins considering the irony of the _life_ -boat. They still help lower the small vessel at night, down the side of the ship, somehow managing not to get caught by anyone. Even with Charlie and Frank shouting and laughing wildly throughout. By the time they have watched the small boat drift away to God only knows where, it’s almost midnight and their arms ache from pulling Frank and Charlie’s weight into the sea.

The twins are tired and they welcome it, since there’s nothing better to do on the ship, they walk back to their rooms. Exhausted in frustration, Dennis can’t help complaining to his sister as they near the cabins,  
  
"I swear to god, Dee, I have to get off this cruise soon. I've literally never been this sober, for this long, in my entire life," he whinges; despite the fact it’s only been two days.  
  
"Yeah, me too. Reckon I can last a good few more days though," she smirks and Dennis has no idea what she's talking about. So he asks.  
  
"How am I surviving? Just embracing the high life at sea yanno? Feel like I was made for this," she replies smugly, putting a brief swagger into her step and lowering her eyes with a smile like Dennis has seen her do a million times before.  
  
"You're getting laid?" He says in disbelief.  
  
"Uhm...yeah, of course I am," she snaps angrily, taking the bait. They come to a stop outside of Mac and Dennis' shared cabin.  
  
"Dennis, the next best thing to any kind of alcohol craving is sex, you know that," she says flippantly, looking up and down the corridor before she continues.  
  
"And let me tell you, these Christians are some horny pieces of ass..." She grins deviously.  
  
"Gross Dee," Dennis retorts, wrinkling his face up a little.  
  
"Whatever boner, you should really consider it yourself," she says, flipping her hair,  
  
"Jerking off with Mac in the early hours must be getting old by now."  
  
At that Dennis flares a little, jabbing a finger towards his sister and taking a step towards her,  
  
"That’s a bro thing! You wouldn’t understand, because you have no friends," he snaps, before he realizes he didn’t deny anything. Dee is completely un-intimidated and laughs shortly,  
  
"Are we still in high-school or something? Whatever," She smirks,  
  
"But just for the record, we couldn’t even have any side-action on this, because we all think it’s gonna happen," she says and Dennis' stomach drops at the thought the gang must have discussed Mac and himself banging before.  
  
"You all talk about this? That’s disgusting and- Why are we even having this conversation?" he laughs in short breaths,

“It’s ridiculous- and my God! It’s none of your business!” he argues.

“Hmmm. It kind of feels like you’ve made it my business ever since you dick-weeds moved in with me.”

Dennis feels a pulse in his forehead. Dee narrows her eyes and gives him the knowing look that only a sister can. She and Charlie know, and they _have_ talked about it.  
  
"Just drop it," Dennis snaps, turning away to his door and pulling out the set of keys.  
  
"Alright! Ok! Whatever," Dee says raising her arms,  
  
"I have a date to get to anyway," she boasts, mirroring her brothers actions, as they both unlock their doors at the same time. They step into the doorframe, turning to face each other one last time.  
  
"Just promise me you’ll try keep it quiet when you’re choking on each other’s dicks," she says loudly, slamming the door shut before her brother has a chance to respond.  
  
Dennis fumes, opening his mouth to say something then shutting it again before blurting out,  
  
"Oh you bitch! You’re a god damn bitch!"  
  
He yells mindlessly, as he slams the door shut, still muttering away to himself as he turns round to suddenly have Mac up in his face.  
  
"Jesus Christ," he startles, backing up,  
  
"How long have you been in here?" He panics, wondering if Mac had heard any of what they'd been talking about. Something tells him that he probably has, even if he tries to deny it.  
  
"Like an hour, dude, I was waiting for you!” he whines, slumping his arms to the side a little in his characteristic show of boredom.

“So…how much of that, did you hear?” Dennis asks a little apprehensively, feeling the wooden door connect with his back.

“About...us banging?" Mac says, strangely confident, maintaining full eye contact, and Dennis doesn't like that. He opens his mouth to deny it as a misinterpretation.  
  
"Sure, but hey Dennis, can I talk to you first?" He asks, fiddling with his hands and Dennis shrinks back further into the door. What the hell? First? They were not banging second. He decides to listen to Mac anyway.  
  
"I've been thinking..." He starts and Dennis instantly feels a sense of dread, nothing good had ever come of Mac thinking.  
  
"I don't think I should be on this cruise," he says and Dennis can hear the heavens parting, angels flying down and the orchestra playing.  
  
"Really?" He says keenly leaning off the door,  
  
"That's great news Mac!" He says pushing past the other and grabbing his suitcase from under his bed,  
  
"Let's get the hell off this thing!" He exclaims joyously, popping open the case atop the mattress and shooting Mac a grin. But his friend still appears strangely somber.  
  
"Yeah, sure, but...there's something else..." He starts and Dennis instantly feels his skin crawl. Of all the places they could have this conversation he would not have picked here and now. Alone in the room with Mac, isolated in the middle of the ocean.  
  
"I...I think I might be gay."  
  
And there it was. The words he'd waited near twenty years to hear were coming out of Mac’s mouth. But Dennis finds himself shifting his shoulders back a little, feeling awkwardly tense all of a sudden.  
  
"Yeah...well...we've always known that," he says, rolling his eyes. Nobody ever said Dennis was good at this type of thing. The words go straight over Mac anyway and he comes closer to stand near Dennis by the bed.  
  
"Seriously dude, I'm not joking," Mac says urgently, like he's scared he might have a disease and Dennis feels his attitude soften a little despite himself.  
  
"Hey, hey, hey," he says, throwing an arm round Mac's shoulder, seating them both on his mattress. Mac’s looking back at him with big brown eyes, like a rabbit in the headlights.  
  
"It's ok to be scared, this is probably all new ways of thinking to you," he soothes, rubbing Mac's shoulder a little with his hand.  
  
"And, it's not to you?" Mac says surprised.  
  
"Well, obviously not," he snorts a little, laughing, assuming that they're both talking about Mac's sexuality.  
  
"But...I never knew?" Mac says loudly, shell-shocked.  
  
"Yeah, I'm not sure how...you should have really noticed the signs, bro," Dennis continues, easily shooting a sympathetic look towards Mac. The man in question instead eyes Dennis' arm suspiciously now, the soft skin against his own.  
  
"Uhm...Dennis I'm not sure I'm ok with this...," he continues, looking up into Dennis' eyes pleading. Instantly, Dennis realises.  
  
"Oh what-no Mac, I-I’m talking about you, god damn it!"

Then Dennis realizes something else.

"Wait, what are you talking about?" He says frowning down at Mac.

“You’re…not gay?” Mac says slowly and Dennis resists slapping either of them in disbelief, going instead for impatiently snapping out a reply.

“No. I’m not gay, you dumbass, but- not sure you’re ok with this? Are you kidding me? You should be begging for me to gay kiss you right now!" Dennis fumes, trying to move their lips closer and Mac almost instantly flinches back.

"But, you just said you’re _not_ gay," he says, without denying anything. Dennis blinks wordlessly, angry that Mac won't admit it. Dennis holds himself where he’s leant forward, shutting his eyes and breathing in deeply before forcing a painful smile.

“You know what? I’m tired and I can’t deal with this right now,” he says, trying to ignore distant roaring of waves in the back of his head – the recently all-too familiar sensation of rejection.

“Why don’t we pack? And we can talk about it more back in Philly?” he says briskly, slipping his skinny arm from Mac’s broad shoulders turning to stand, only to have Mac’s hand clamp round his wrist.

“Wait Dennis-“

Mac’s voice shocks him a little. Dennis slowly turns round, to find Mac pulling him down way into his personal space, he’s almost lap-sitting. Mac’s giving him that disgusting look of adoration, he’s distracted by it so when the other’s grip clamps around his biceps, he jumps slightly. Dennis glances down to the hands holding him in place.

“I, uh, if you really want to kiss me, I guess it’s ok,” Mac says shyly, under his breath. Dennis screws his face up in confusion, returning his attention to Mac,

“I mean, now that I’m gay and everything,” he says off-handedly, having the nerve to look bashful, rubbing his thumbs nervously against the skin under Dennis’ shirt. The taller of the two feels a vein twitch in his forehead, roughly shifting out of Mac’s grip and standing to his feet.

“Oh my god, no, that is not happening until- why can’t you just admit you want me,” he growls.

“So _you_ don’t want to kiss me?” Mac says, his face wrinkling up into pure confusion and Dennis feels his mouth dropping open under Mac’s stare. He’s not angry, not even pitying, it’s almost as if he thinks Dennis is lying.

Dennis sits there gaping with his mouth open for a few horrible seconds of silence, not really expecting to have the question flipped round, before he realizes he has to say _something,_ literally anything.

“I mean- I wouldn’t do it i-if-“

Anything. But- he coughs,

“No.” He says like a stubborn child, feeling equally as childish over the fact they had both just argued over a god damn kiss. Though Mac’s eyes are now locked firmly on his lips, that makes it very hard for his own gaze not to track down. Thankfully, the other pulls his stare back up again to meet Dennis’, but as the seconds drag on the latter realizes this is worse. As much shit as Dennis gives Mac for not maintaining eye contact, in this moment he really wishes he could hide away. It’s all too intense right now, the room might well have been sucked of all the air. Of all the god damn furniture. It’s like a head-rush, Dennis thinks as he feels the familiarity of disorientation. All he can really focus on is Mac, and how he’s suddenly a lot closer than before.

He’s not really sure which one of them initiated it, Dennis takes a few moments to register the fact that he’s letting Mac kiss him and a few seconds more to realise that he’s suddenly running a lot warmer - and not only because there’s now arms winding tightly around him. Next thing he knows, Mac’s tongue is licking into his mouth and his hands are undoing his shirt, Dennis hears a small sighing moan. When he realizes it might have been his own, he flushes a little warmer and shifts, pulling Mac closer to his chest and deeper into his mouth, desperate to eradicate any further sounds escaping between them. There’s none of the usual nose-bumping awkwardness or mismatched rhythm and intensity that usually comes with sober first kisses. Dennis knows just how far to tilt his head for Mac, while Mac seems to know just how tightly to grip Dennis’ hair in his fist. Though really, they’ve both studied each other so well over the years, Dennis would personally be insulted if they didn’t get this right.

There’s a sudden knocking at the door and the split apart as fast as lightning, digging fingernails into each others flesh, holding on in shock as they stare at the door. There’s another brief pause in silence before Dee’s muffled voice sounds through the wood,

“Open up boners, I need condoms.”

Mac turns to look at Dennis, mirroring the shocked expression on each other’s faces.

Then there’s further violent knocking, followed by an angry kick.

“Come on, I know you’re in here Dennis,” his sister continues, sighing on the other side of the door and tapping her foot.

The next second the door’s opening and Mac’s shoving a random handful of condoms at her chest, she fumbles a little before bringing her hands up to get hold of them.

“There, now get lost Dee,” Mac growls impatiently, and there’s something about how his lips are a little swollen and he’s trying to shut the door in her face a little too fast.

She sticks her foot in the door and Mac startles when it catches, turning back to face the blonde woman. But Dee’s not looking at him, she’s peering carefully over his shoulder where she can now see her brother with an unbuttoned shirt, fidgeting awkwardly on one of their twin beds.

When he catches her eye, Dee gives Dennis her best shit-eating grin, before Mac pushes her back roughly and finally slams the door. Dee’s still grinning, satisfied with the expression she’d managed to spread across her brothers face at being caught near red-handed. She’s tempted to tease them by yelling through the door.

Instead she finds herself laughing a little cruelly, always happy to get one over on her brother. Though she can’t help but wonder who the long-term winner is going to be in all this, she shrugs it off with a lazy smile, turning back to her cabin.

“Losers.”

**Author's Note:**

> Badly cut-off (and badly introduced) I know, but I know it's never going to be finished soooo take it or leave it!  
> I hope some of it at least came across more like the canon episode? Maybe?


End file.
